A Shield Reunion Looms, Plus Ponderings From WWE Raw

By Rob Siebert
Editor, Fanboy Wonder

The Twitterverse hasn’t been kind to Sunday’s Battleground pay per view. There are a variety of reasons why. But one of the prominent ones has to do with the big guy on the right. The Great Khali is back.

Oh…great.

The seven-foot giant helped Jinder Mahal retain the WWE Championship in a Punjabi Prison Match. This actually makes sense from a story perspective. The Punjabi Prison Match was indeed created for Khali. Plus, in the build-up to Battleground, Jinder called Khali his hero. Admittedly, it was a surprise to see the big guy lumber out there. But it’s difficult to even articulate in English how little I want to see Khali wrestle again. Even WWE themselves have joked about how limited his in-ring skills are. Beyond chopping and bear-hugging, that is.

WWE apparently brought Khali in because of his popularity with the Indian market. They want Jinder to “get the rub” off him, so that WWE Network subscriptions go up in India. Fair enough, I guess. I do like the idea of an Indian faction. Khali could ideally serve the role of a bodyguard for Mahal, with the Singh Brothers finally becoming part of the Smackdown Tag Team Division.

Still, I can’t say Khali’s return gets me any more excited to watch Smackdown. Actually, it’s the opposite. If anything, I might be more inclined to fast-forward through the Jinder Mahal segments. Khalil’s segments were tough to get through before. So putting him with your new heel champion? Not the move I would have made…

Ponderings From Raw:

Kurt Angle announces Brock Lesnar will defend the Universal Championship against Roman Reigns, Samoa Joe, and Braun Strowman in a Fatal Four-Way Match at Summerslam. A brawl ensues between the challengers. This was the right move. Amidst all the buzz out there right now about Brock possibly going back to the UFC next year, having these three in there just ups the speculation about him dropping the belt. As was the case with Wrestlemania XXXI, they can have Brock lose the title without being pinned. Perhaps more importantly, this match has a great “Who’s the man?” vibe to it. Any of the four of them could walk away with the title.

Everybody had great intensity here. Loved Joe interrupting Angle’s exit. Roman has such a great smugness to him. He’d make such a great heel. But admittedly, part of me respects that kind of attitude from a babyface perspective…

Somebody posted a gif on Twitter of Strowman chucking one of those “security guards” out of the ring. Holy crap. The dude flew over the ropes and landed flat on his back. Spot of the night, right there.

Elias Samson def. Finn Balor in a No-Disqualification Match. Bray Wyatt gives the assist, hitting Balor with Sister Abigail. It’s amazing what a little bit of blood can do. I haven’t been to into these Balor/Samson matches. But after the nasty gash that guitar shot left in Balor’s head last week, I was looking forward to this one. It looked like they were really laying it in out there, too.

You know, now that Reigns vs. Lesnar may not be happening at Wrestlemania, I can think of one guy who never lost that Universal Title.

Big Cass def. Enzo Amore. So after the match, Big Show comes out. As he’s about to get in the ring, Cass has Enzo by the head, and is threatening to snap his neck. Well, death threats are one way to get over as a heel…

Nia Jax def. Emma. Emma has essentially been a jobber since she’d come back. I’d love to know how much of that has to do with the Emmalina persona not working out.

Nia Jax gets a lot of crap from “smart fans.” But that rolling Senton was awesome.

Akira Tozawa calls out Ariya Daivari, but gets Neville instead. Daivari lays out both. I was shocked as hell to see Daivari not only beat up Tozawa, but Neville as well. When Daivari first started showing up on Raw, it didn’t seem like he could get a win to save his life. Now this is happening. Pretty cool. But as long as Neville is in the Cruiserweight Division, he’s the top heel. Bar none. I shudder to think what it would look like without him.

Bayley def. Sasha Banks to earn a title match against Alexa Bliss at Summerslam.  In a backstage interview earlier in the night, Alexa called Sasha and Bayley “Team Gag Reflex.” That’s a good line. And when it comes to some of their promos, an accurate one.

But Sasha and Bayley got to the dance because of what they bring between the ropes, often against one another. This was the most prominent Sasha/Bayley match we’ve seen since they came to the main roster, and we got to see some of that magic. Portions of this were really smooth. Great to hear the crowd get into things as they cranked up the intensity in the second half. Really good match.

So now we’ve got another Bayley vs. Alexa Bliss match for Summerslam. Hopefully they resist the temptation to add Sasha to the match, and give us yet another multi-woman match on a pay per view. If Sasha does show up at Summerslam, she needs to accidentally cost Bayley the match. Or perhaps not accidentally?

Jason Jordan def. Curt Hawkins. Very explosive performance from Jordan. Crowd wasn’t buying much of this. But they’re still establishing Jordan as a single. Let’s see what happens when he gets something with some meat to it.

The Revival def. Luke Gallows and Karl Anderson. The Hardys attack Dash and Dawson afterward. Anderson and Gallows cut what seemed to be a babyface promo before this match. I’m game for a face turn. If you’re into wrestling podcasts, you know Luke Gallows is extremely likable. They’ve also got a natural cool factor. Let’s see if they’re still going for cheers next week.

Seth Rollins and Dean Ambrose def. The Miz, Curtis Axel, and Bo Dallas. Rollins attempts a show of solidarity with Ambrose after the match. Curtis Axel and Bo Dallas in a Raw main event in 2017. Do you believe in miracles?

They made a point to show Sheamus and Cesaro watching this match backstage. Are we about to see Rollins and Ambrose going for the tag straps?

Great image at the end. Rollins goes for the signature Shield fist bump, but Ambrose leaves him hanging. I’m still digging this. This is the first time I’ve really been into babyface Seth Rollins. While the Shield reunion is clearly being done to benefit Roman, Seth may be the one who benefits the most in the end.

Follow Primary Ignition on Twitter, or at Facebook.com/PrimaryIgnition.

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Chester Bennington, and Thoughts on Suicide

By Rob Siebert
Editor, Fanboy Wonder

I’m not really a “music guy.” I like music, and it’s a part of my daily life. But I can’t talk about it or analyze it the way a lot of other creative people do. It’s a language I don’t know how to speak.

Come to think of it, I don’t have a lot of favorite bands. Lifehouse really spoke to me when I was in high school. I was an angsty, nervous, emotional kid. (Come to think of it, I’m an angsty, nervous, emotional adult too.) So I didn’t have a lot of friends. Their vulnerable and honest lyrics were always a comfort and an inspiration to me.

On the other end of the spectrum was Linkin Park. There was a comforting and inspirational dimension to their music. But I listened to them when I felt anger, bitterness, and isolation. I don’t really relate to a lot of music. But I related to what I heard from them. These guys didn’t know me. But they knew something about what I was feeling. While I don’t consider myself a huge Linkin Park fan, I’ve followed them over the years. If I had to list my favorite bands, they’d be one of the first on the list.

The news that Linkin Park’s lead singer, Chester Bennington, apparently committed suicide by hanging this week hit me in a really strange way. It’s a tragedy, of course. Suicide usually is. But there’s another, more personal dimension to it.

There’s no fluid transition into this next statement. So I’m just going to go for it.

I’ve thought about suicide over the years. Quite a bit, to be honest.

I’ve never considered myself suicidal, per se. I’ve not once attempted to kill myself. I’ve also never been a cutter, or someone who self-inflicts. But the thought, the possibility, even the temptation, has maintained a place in my consciousness since I was in high school. It’s wrapped up in my anxiety, my depression, and all that fun stuff. 

Linkin Park was part of the soundtrack of my young life when I was first thinking about suicide. And now one of the voices of Linkin Park has committed suicide. So for me there’s a sad, vile, ugly irony in the whole thing.

I feel a little bit like I felt when Robin Williams killed himself a few years ago. One of the creative forces I admired growing up was fighting some of the same demons I’ve fought. And he…succumbed? That feels like an insensitive word to use. But it’s the only one that comes to mind.

The obvious question to ask is, why? Why would someone who’s had so much success and touched so many lives want to kill himself? I don’t have the answer. But as I was mulling this over today it occurred to me that a suicide generally only makes sense to the victim. It’s something the person rationalizes. What they’re feeling, be it physically or emotionally, has taken such a toll that suicide feels like a viable option. No one understands what would drive you to do something so terrible. But they can’t understand. They may love you. But they can never see the world through your eyes. They can’t know what you face on a day to day basis.

In my experience, thinking about suicide is like staring into a dark abyss. It’s total blackness. You have no idea what’s in there. But whatever it is, it’s got to be better than this. That void can be so tempting when you’re in that kind of pain…

I don’t look down on Bennington, or anyone else who has made the choice he made. I feel for them. I mourn them. It’s so incredibly tragic to believe that’s the only way out. What’s more, they leave their loved ones with their own terrible pain.

When I think about the things that have kept me away from that abyss over the years, that’s something I keep coming back to. My loved ones. My wife. My parents. My family. The people I’ve been friends with over the years. I couldn’t do that to them. I couldn’t leave them to bear that burden.

If you’re someone who’s staring into that abyss now, know that there are people in this world who love you and need you. I know it hurts. It’s agonizing. And at times it’s hopeless. But there is always another way. You deserve love, happiness, friendship, and all the wonders life has to offer. Please don’t rob the world of your gifts.

National Suicide Prevention Lifeline: 1-800-273-8255
American Foundation for Suicide Prevention
Alliance of Hope for Suicide Survivors

Follow Primary Ignition on Twitter, or at Facebook.com/PrimaryIgnition.

Anxiety Talk: Facing the Bear

By Rob Siebert
Editor, Fanboy Wonder

I’ve been been dealing with some pretty bad anxiety lately. It’s been a constant in my life for as long as I can remember. But Mrs. Primary Ignition and I have moved, and I’ve changed jobs. The latter has been hard for me, though I’m essentially doing the same job. It’s a lot of new people, more specifically a new boss. People say I don’t deal with change well. I’ve balked at that in the past. But in my heart I know it’s probably true.

Earlier this week, in the midst of a particularly anxious day, a simile popped into my head. I have no clue where it came from. But it’s stayed with me. And here it is for you now:

Anxiety is like standing in front of an angry bear.

When you’re facing that angry bear, everything in your body is telling you to react. Your fight-or-flight response has kicked in. You essentially have two choices. You can run away from the bear, or you can take him on. You don’t know how you’d take him on, or what that action even consists of. Obviously running is the easier choice. But here’s the thing: If you run, the bear is going to chase you.

Now imagine facing that kind of life-or-death dilemma every day of your life. Multiple times a day. Sometimes it’s for hours at a time. And the kicker is, sometimes it turns out the bear wasn’t angry at all. You weren’t even seeing things clearly. So you find yourself questioning, second-guessing, and doubting everything. Even yourself.

Of course, the only way to rid yourself of the anxiety is to actually face whatever you’re afraid of. Easier said than done. Believe me, I know. But one of the biggest upsides to dealing with anxiety is that the fear itself is almost always worse than whatever it’s directed toward. That bear is tough. But he’s not nearly as tough as you think he’ll be.

So do everything you can to step outside your comfort zone, and face the bear head on. I promise you, It’ll be worth it.

Follow Primary Ignition on Twitter, or at Facebook.com/PrimaryIgnition.

A WWE Battleground 2017 Preview – Punjabi Prison Blues

By Rob Siebert
Editor, Fanboy Wonder

Randy Orton and Jinder Mahal will likely have the best Punjabi Prison Match of all time this Sunday at Battleground. Unfortunately, the bar has been set pretty low for Punjabi Prison Matches. So I imagine it will still suck.

It’s not necessarily their fault. The Punjabi Prison Match concept was ill-conceived from the start. Bringing it back gave WWE an opportunity to change up the rules and make it a little less convoluted. As we saw this week on Smackdown, they’ve opted to keep it the same. That doesn’t bode well.

The Punjabi Prison is a double cage, one inside the other. To win, a wrestler must escape from both. The first cage has doors, each of which can only be opened for 60 seconds before it’s closed permanently. The second cage must be climbed.

I actually like the structure itself. But they’re overcomplicating things with the door rule for the first cage. Just have both guys fight to get out. Keep the damn thing simple, and easy to grasp.

The cages also look as big and cumbersome as ever. Remember, this thing was originally built for the Great Khali. It was downright painful watching Orton climb it while holding a microphone and talking.

I don’t envy these two at Battleground. As I’ve said previously, there’s a reason we haven’t seen a lot of Punjabi Prison Matches over the years. We weren’t exactly clamoring for another one. But here’s hoping Orton and Mahal put on a decent show nonetheless.

Let’s take a look at Battleground

PRE-SHOW MATCH:
Tye Dillinger vs. Aiden English

Oh c’mon. They’re doing the same pre-show match they did at Backlash? Sami Zayn, Chad Gable, Luke Harper, and Breezango are all on the bench, but these two are wrestling again?? Lame.

I’m not sure why Dillinger wouldn’t win again here. They seem content to have him dwindle at lower midcard status for now. That’s a shame. I don’t know if he’ll ever be WWE Champion. But he’s got plenty more to offer.

PREDICTION: Tye Dillinger

FATAL FIVE-WAY MATCH TO DETERMINE TOP CONTENDER FOR SMACKDOWN WOMEN’S TITLE AT SUMMERSLAM:
Charlotte Flair vs. Natalya vs. Becky Lynch vs. Lana vs. Tamina

The lack of creativity in this company is downright maddening sometimes. Charlotte, Becky, Natalya, and Tamina have been in so many of these multi-women matches together that there’s absolutely no draw here. You may as well just do Charlotte vs. Becky. At least we haven’t seen them wrestle on pay per view in awhile.

I don’t see them doing Summerslam without Charlotte. She’s already wrestled Naomi for the belt on television. But Summerslam is obviously a much bigger stage, and they can draw out a babyface vs. babyface feud. I maintain, however, that Charlotte has no business being a babyface. It wasn’t long ago that she was arguably the best villain in the company. Perhaps a loss to Naomi at Summerslam could put her back on a path to the dark side.

PREDICTION: Charlotte Flair

WWE SMACKDOWN TAG TEAM TITLE MATCH:
The Usos (c) vs. The New Day

The New Day are getting the titles at some point. It’s simply a question of when. As we saw in the rap battle segment a few weeks ago, these guys can be really entertaining together. So I say we give them a little more time to do their thing. I don’t have enough faith in WWE creative to think they’ll give us something better than the rap battle. But you never know.

How about we have the Usos retain here, and then do a stipulation match at Summerslam? If the New Day lose, they can’t challenge for the belts again as long as Jimmy and Jey have them. Just a thought.

PREDICTION: The Usos

Shinsuke Nakamura vs. Baron Corbin

For better or worse, the logic regarding the guy holding the Money in the Bank briefcase is that you can beat him all you want. Because at the end of the day, he’s still got the briefcase. I’ve always hated that idea. But it can apply in isolated incidents. This match is one such incident. Nakamura needs to be kept strong, and a loss here does minimal damage to Corbin. His ruthless attitude notwithstanding, Corbin has largely been portrayed as beatable when it comes to the bigger and more established names. John Cena, Randy Orton, Dean Ambrose, etc. I chalk that up to his inexperience. In reality it’s probably just bad booking.

After beating Corbin, I’d love to see Nakamura go to Summerslam to face John Cena. That doesn’t seem to be in the cards. But one day…

PREDICTION: Shinsuke Nakamura

WWE UNITED STATES TITLE MATCH:
AJ Styles (c) vs. Kevin Owens

I didn’t expect AJ to win the belt at all, much less in a non-televised match. But there he is, our United States Champion. Supposedly they did it to keep Smackdown from having too many anti-American heel champions. Fair enough. The great thing about Owens and Styles is they’ll give you good matches no matter how many times you put them out there together.

I don’t see the need to keep this feud going until Summerslam, so this should be it for these guys. KO has been doing just fine with the whole “Face of America” thing. But I’m liking AJ with the belt. Chances are, he’s not challenging for the title in August. So being United States Champion keeps him in a prominent spot, and it’s a simple way to match him up against almost anyone. As for Owens, he can do just about anything and be perfectly fine. Just keep him away from Sami Zayn.

PREDICTION: AJ Styles

FLAG MATCH:
John Cena vs. Rusev

Rusev could win this match. That would sure as hell be a surprise. There’s not much harm in it, either. It’s not like he’d be pinning Cena.

I don’t see it happening, though. Cena is the American hero in a Flag Match. It’s rather difficult to picture a scenario where he doesn’t win this one, and then go on to wrestle for the WWE Title at Summerslam. As for Rusev, he could go either way at this point. He hasn’t exactly had the best creative as of late. He doesn’t even have Lana with him anymore. The “Bulgarian Brute” has rebounded before. But they’re not making it easy for him, are they?

PREDICTION: John Cena

PUNJABI PRISON MATCH FOR WWE WORLD HEAVYWEIGHT TITLE:
Jinder Mahal (c) vs. Randy Orton

The Jinder Mahal experiment hasn’t been a rousing success. But it hasn’t been a failure either. I haven’t been blown away by either his matches or his promos. But the WWE machine has given him an aura of importance. They’ve created the illusion of a big star. Now Jinder just needs to live up to the hype. It’s a slow process, but he’s getting there.

A third consecutive pay per view win over Randy Orton, which is what he’ll get here, is certainly a step in the right direction. The match isn’t going to win any awards. But it’s still a hell of a coup. And it could lead to an even bigger one, depending on what they decide to do with him at Summerslam.

I can’t say it’s a match I’m dying to see, but the story pretty much writes itself. John Cena wins a Flag Match with Rusev, and then defends his country’s honor yet again at one of the biggest shows of the year. But does the Jinder Mahal experiment end there…?

Follow Primary Ignition on Twitter, or at Facebook.com/PrimaryIgnition.

Kurt Angle’s Big Reveal, Plus Ponderings From WWE Raw

By Rob Siebert
Editor, Fanboy Wonder

Dixie Carter made her WWE TV debut last week…sort of.

Carter was briefly shown on last week’s WWE 24 special about Kurt Angle’s return to the company. She didn’t get tons of screen time. But there she was. They even listed her as “former president, tna wrestling.” This wasn’t exactly Eric Bischoff showing up on Raw. But it was a moment, and about as surreal as it gets in the modern era.

People love to dump on Carter for being naive about the wrestling business. Some would even say downright stupid. But give her credit: She kept TNA afloat for all those years. As such, guys like AJ Styles and Samoa Joe became stars on the national level.

This olive branch extended to Carter by WWE opens a few doors. TNA has undergone two name-changes since her departure in January, and the company is obviously under new management. The Dixie Carter/TNA era is effectively over. If that means WWE is now willing to acknowledge that promotion’s existence, Carter could be a valuable asset to the WWE Network. They obviously don’t have the rights to any footage. But in future documentaries or specials, they can bring her in to add her perspective on the careers of former TNA athletes that have since become WWE stars. Styles and Joe obviously come to mind. But you’ve also got guys like Bobby Roode, Eric Young, and Drew McIntyre. You can even throw the Hardys in there. Especially if they wind up getting the “Broken” IP.

There’s also been speculation about Carter possibly being an on-air character for WWE. That’s more far-fetched, if you ask me. I’ll say it again: Dixie Carter is not Eric Bischoff. When Bischoff showed up on Raw, most of the audience knew who he was. He’d been one of the faces of a nationally televised war for ratings supremacy. Hell, WWE had referenced him on television multiple times. He was ruthless. He was cunning. He was the enemy. That’s why it was so shocking to see him walk out on Raw.

Dixie Carter doesn’t have much of that intrigue. Was she the enemy? Maybe. But was she ever a threat? Not really. Could she get heat? Sure. But probably not enough to justify bringing her in for a recurring role. What’s more, WWE would have to do a lot more explaining to the uninitiated about who this woman is, what TNA was, etc.

Maybe I’m wrong. But I wouldn’t bet on it. I respect Dixie Carter more than a lot of “smart” fans do. But lets not classify her as this major get for WWE. She could do some cool things with them. But most of them involve being interviewed for WWE Network specials. Let’s keep this in perspective, people.

Ponderings From Raw:

Dean Ambrose calls out the Miz and the Miztourage. Seth Rollins apologizes for betraying the Shield. Miz and his henchmen destroy Ambrose and Rollins. I liked this. Rollins apologizes to Ambrose for stabbing him in the back and breaking up the Shield, and then offers him a free shot with the steel chair. It’s probably the most babyface thing Rollins has done since they shoehorned him into that role almost a year ago.

But did you see what they did here? They’re starting already. I talked about this a few months ago. At it’s core, this Shield thing is going to be about getting Roman Reigns cheered. That’s what they were looking for when they brought out Miz, Curtis Axel, and Bo Dallas. They wanted you to chant for Roman to come out and make the save. I’ll give them this, there were “Roman!” chants. They weren’t loud, but they were there.

Bayley def. Alexa Bliss. Seeing these two in the ring brought back bad memories. As such, I pretty much tuned this one out. It doesn’t help that we’ve seen so many combinations of Bayley/Alexa Bliss/Sasha Banks/Nia Jax in the last several months. This division desperately needs some new blood.

Jack Gallagher and Mustafa Ali def. Brian Kendrick and Drew Gulak. I didn’t recognize Drew Gulak. He’s really changed up his look since the last time I saw him. But as I don’t watch 205 Live, that was probably awhile ago…

Enzo Amore cuts a promo on Big Cass. Cass comes out, winds up in a fight with the Big Show. There’s been a lot of buzz lately about Enzo having heat backstage. But the fans are still reacting to him. In the end, that’s what matters.

Wasn’t a fan of Enzo opening this promo with the line about Newton’s third law. Pretty far out of character. A lot of thus stuff sounded out of character, actually. Not what he was saying, but how he was saying it. As opposed to his emotional promo two weeks ago, this sounded much more scripted.

Based on what we saw Show do with Braun Strowman several weeks ago, I’d say Cass is in good hands here. Cass may not have the acting chops quite yet, but they may end up overachieving in the ring.

Finn Balor def. Elias Samson via disqualification. Bray Wyatt appears on the tron, announces he’s coming for Balor. YES! A guitar shot from Samson! A shot which apparently left a nasty gash in Balor’s head. Ouch. I’ve seen a lot of those guitar shots over the years, and it seems like the idea is to hit the top of the head. Samson hit Balor like he was swinging a baseball bat.

It looks like we’re finally getting Bray Wyatt vs. Finn Balor at Summerslam. Bray has a little bit of momentum after beating Seth Rollins at Great Balls of Fire. But I suspect they built him up to have Finn Balor, as the Demon, slay him. Fair enough, I suppose. At least they waited awhile before bringing the Demon back.

Ariya Daivari def. Akira Tozawa when Titus O’Neil stops the match. Tozawa might not have enjoyed having Titus out there with him. But I sure as hell did. He’s no Bobby Heenan. But he’s a lot of fun.

Kurt Angle announces he fathered an illegitimate child: Jason Jordan. Huh. Vince McMahon’s “illegitimate child” was a pre-established WWE star, and now it turns out Kurt Angle’s is too. What an amazing coincidence that is.

There’ve been rumors abound these last few weeks about this big Kurt Angle revelation being an illegitimate child storyline. One of the obvious candidates for such a role was Chad Gable of American Alpha. Well, they were close…

With Jordan now on Raw and Gable still on Smackdown, this is obviously the end of American Alpha for the time being. That’s a bit sad, as that team never became quite what they could have been on the main roster. But both guys have a lot of potential as singles wrestlers. Jordan isn’t necessarily great from a charisma standpoint. But this is obviously a great opportunity for him. If he can put the pieces together, he could wind up being truly amazing.

The Revival def. The Hardy Boyz. How long do you think it’ll be before they have to turn the Revival babyface? What’s not to like about them? Especially if you’re an older fan.

Matt and Jeff Hardy have now lost to Sheamus and Cesaro, Gallows and Anderson, and the Revival. This losing streak seems tailor made for a descent into that “Broken” madness. The Hardys and Anthem have different stories as far as a deal being reached. So whether it actually happens is still a guessing game. But one can always hope.

Braun Strowman decimates Roman Reigns and Samoa Joe, breaking up their match to determine the top contender for SummerslamNot the best match these two have had. But they got the finish right. I imagine we’re now headed for a Fatal Four-Way Match for the Universal Title at Summerslam. I’m just grateful it’s not another damn Fatal Five-Way…

Samoa Joe is almost 300 lbs. So seeing Strowman pick him up for a Powerslam was damn impressive. Seeing anyone pick this guy up is damn impressive.

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A Star Wars: Yoda’s Secret War Review – Size Still Matters Not

TITLE: Star Wars, Vol. 5: Yoda’s Secret War
AUTHOR: Jason Aaron, Kelly Thompson
PENCILLER: Salvador Larroca, Emilio Laiso. Cover by Stuart Immonen.
COLLECTS: Star Wars #2630Star Wars Annual #2
FORMAT: Softcover
PUBLISHER: Marvel
PRICE: $17.99
RELEASED: July 5, 2017

***WARNING: Spoilers lay ahead.***

By Rob Siebert
Editor, Fanboy Wonder

I’ve referred to the “Journal of Old Ben Kenobi” issues of Star Wars the highlight of the series thus far. I stand by that statement in terms of the one-off tales we got in issues #7, #15, and #20. But they went a little too far here. A five-issue story from the journal? Which features Yoda instead of Obi-Wan? I can understand the temptation to try it. But no. This falls in the “too much of a good thing” category.

As Luke Skywalker ponders a current predicament involving C-3PO being captured by the Empire, he opens Ben Kenobi’s journal and begins reading. Ben weaves a tale of a Jedi being called to a remote planet not on any star maps. A world inhabited only by children, who speak of a mysterious “stonepower.” Little does Luke know that the Jedi unraveling the mystery of this planet is Yoda, the former Grand Master of the Jedi Order who will soon continue his training in the ways of the Force.

Our artist for the main story is Salvador Larroca, whose work I’ve talked about in great detail previously. Long story short: His art is largely based on stills from the Star Wars movies, and it’s incredibly distracting. You want to be into the story, but the art keeps reminding you of scenes from Attack of the Clones, Revenge of the Sith, etc. It works for characters like Darth Vader or C-3PO, whose faces never change. But for just about everyone else it’s a problem. It’s a shame, because otherwise this is pretty good stuff. Edgar Delgado’s colors really capture the magic and wonder of the Star Wars Universe, especially once Yoda is sent on a question inside a mountain. And we get a big monster toward the end that’s are a lot of fun.

To his credit, Jason Aaron gets Yoda right. He’s not afraid to play with Yoda’s ironic size/power ratio. In issue #26, we see him walk into the lair of a bunch of space pirates to save a Force-sensitive child. As one might expect, they initially laugh him off. But he dispatches them, and gets a pretty good line in: “Something more precious than wealth have I brought you. … Wisdom.”

During our story, Yoda becomes the student of a boy named Garro, who teaches him about the stonepower. Seeing our little green friend as an apprentice instead of a master is always a fun role reversal. Star Wars fans obviously know that he instructs very young Jedi at the temple on Coruscant. So the fact that he’s on a planet full of child warriors is a great little twist. We get some cool visuals of Yoda and Garro with the glowing stones, and the blue light reflecting across the Jedi Master’s alien skin.

But despite what Yoda’s Secret War has going for it, it’s simply too long. They could have trimmed at least one issue off of this and been absolutely fine. In issue #29, we see Yoda face a rock monster that’s as tall as a building. That’s a great match-up, and a perfect illustration of the grand yet unassuming power this little guy possesses. In terms of a grand finale for a Yoda story, it’s tough to ask for more than that. But as we move through issue #29 and into #30, we jump back to present day and see Luke mix it up with an adult Garro. Thus, a story that was already starting to feel it’s length officially overstays its welcome. I understand the impulse to connect the story to Luke. But the reader already knows Yoda eventually trains him. It’s needless filler.

We also have to endure the narrative convenience that, in telling this story, Ben Kenobi never identifies Yoda by name. This is a continuity hoop Aaron has to jump through so Luke doesn’t recognize Yoda’s name in The Empire Strikes Back. While I appreciate the attention to continuity, it’s just a little too convenient for my taste. Logically, why wouldn’t Obi-Wan use Yoda’s name?

We also get the obligatory scene at the end with Yoda on Dagobah, talking about how Luke will be ready soon. Again, needless filler.

Also contained in this book is Star Wars Annual #2, in which our creative team shifts to Kelly Thompson and Emilio Laiso. We meet a character named Pash Lavane on the planet of Skorii-Lei, which has been devastated by the war between the Empire and the Rebellion. While she’s an immensely talented former engineer, with the physique of an Amazon to boot, Pash opts to stay out of the conflict. But when she rescues Princess Leia from a stormtrooper attack, she’s irrevocably drawn in. She may have no choice but to pick a side.

I appreciate the story Thompson tells about how one can’t always stay neutral when it comes to what’s happening in their world at large. But what I came away thinking about was the Pash character herself. The juxtaposition of a big, muscled up character who’s also technically savvy is intriguing. Pash is almost the She-Hulk of the Star Wars universe. Laiso strikes a lovely balance, as he makes her both facially expressive and imposing in stature. Between Doctor Aphra and Sana Solo, Marvel hasn’t been shy about creating new strong female characters. Pash makes that list as well, and it’s a shame we haven’t seen her since this issue.

I’ve drifted in and out of Marvel’s main Star Wars series since its debut. As big a Star Wars geek as I’ve always been, this title has had trouble holding my attention. Sadly, Yoda’s Secret War is my latest exit cue. Hopefully I get a reason to return sooner rather than later.

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Video Game Speak: The Language of a Generation

By Rob Siebert
Editor, Fanboy Wonder

I was out at the pool a few days ago, and there were two kids in the water playing pretend or something. One of them kept calling out, “DOOM Shark! DOOM Shark!”

The hell is a DOOM Shark? Is it like a distant cousin to a Street Shark? Or a Ninja Turtle? Or a Battle Toad?

The same kid then asks the other, “How much health does your character have? Mine’s running low!”

I’m ’80s born, ’90s bred. I had a Super Nintendo and a Sega Genesis and what not. Did we talk like that when we were kids? Like we lived in a video game? I honestly can’t remember…

Wait, yes I can! I used to play Sonic the Hedgehog with other kids. Ironically, it was at swimming lessons at the public pool. Sonic would collect gold power rings (probably still does). If he got hit or something, the rings would go everywhere. So if you got tagged or something, you’d have to run around and “pick them up.” But I don’t remember asking anyone, “Hey how much health do you have left?”

Holy crap. That’s a blast from the past.

But video games are so immersive now. Today, if your character has low HP, you better have a solid HP insurance policy. One that protects against pre-existing damage, ideally. Otherwise, how are you going to afford that weapons upgrade you put on the damn credit card?

See, THIS is how you can teach todays kids how to adult. They’re already addicted to their damn phones. You think toady’s teenagers are bad? Just wait.

Just be read or those boss battles, kids. They aren’t anywhere near as fun as they are in Sonic. Take it from me. I’ve got more XP than you.

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