By Rob Siebert
Editor, Fanboy Wonder

I was out at the pool a few days ago, and there were two kids in the water playing pretend or something. One of them kept calling out, “DOOM Shark! DOOM Shark!”

The hell is a DOOM Shark? Is it like a distant cousin to a Street Shark? Or a Ninja Turtle? Or a Battle Toad?

The same kid then asks the other, “How much health does your character have? Mine’s running low!”

I’m ’80s born, ’90s bred. I had a Super Nintendo and a Sega Genesis and what not. Did we talk like that when we were kids? Like we lived in a video game? I honestly can’t remember…

Wait, yes I can! I used to play Sonic the Hedgehog with other kids. Ironically, it was at swimming lessons at the public pool. Sonic would collect gold power rings (probably still does). If he got hit or something, the rings would go everywhere. So if you got tagged or something, you’d have to run around and “pick them up.” But I don’t remember asking anyone, “Hey how much health do you have left?”

Holy crap. That’s a blast from the past.

But video games are so immersive now. Today, if your character has low HP, you better have a solid HP insurance policy. One that protects against pre-existing damage, ideally. Otherwise, how are you going to afford that weapons upgrade you put on the damn credit card?

See, THIS is how you can teach todays kids how to adult. They’re already addicted to their damn phones. You think toady’s teenagers are bad? Just wait.

Just be read or those boss battles, kids. They aren’t anywhere near as fun as they are in Sonic. Take it from me. I’ve got more XP than you.

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